I don’t mean to sound like a grandma, but what the hell is wrong with kids today? Guys and gals have been making drunken, sticky messes of themselves on reality television for years, but I feel like this bad behavior has officially permeated into real life. Girls seem to have lost a little self-respect and guys seem to have lost some of their manners. I know too many girls who’ve slept with a guy on the first date and I’ve seen too many guys let doors slam in the girl’s face behind him.
So I’m declaring here and now that 2015 is the year we update the rulebook and bring back the lady and the gentleman. I’m not saying we trash the 19th amendment and force every man to wear a top hat, I’m just saying it wouldn’t hurt if girls were a little more Holly Golightly and less Snooki Goslutty. And all the fellas out there could do a little more pocket square and a little less pocket pool.
Rules for the 2015 Lady.
Don’t flirt with other guys in front of your guy to make him jealous. Never in the history of beating human hearts has this turned out well.
When choosing an outfit, only show off one asset at a time. If your ample chest is on display, maybe cover your legs. If your legs are the main attraction, maybe don’t go sleeveless. Remember, we know you’re a female. There is no need to prove it.
Know the difference between dancing and fornicating.
Never change yourself to fit what one guy wants. You’re a ripe little petunia and there are plenty of guys who want to pick you exactly as you are.
Don’t dumb yourself down in the boardroom or the bedroom.
Stop idolizing people who are famous for doing nothing but contributing to the E! Channel’s ratings. Hillary Clinton > Kim Kardashian. Maya Angelou > The Real Housewives.
Whatever daddy issues you might have, 2015 is the year to let them go.
Don’t be afraid to be funny.
It’s okay to do a shot at the bar. It’s not okay to slam it, lick your finger, and scream “yeah baby” after.
For the love of god, put down the US Weekly/Star/Whatever, turn off E! News and spend at least five minutes a day learning about real things that currently matter in the world.
Address conflict but still pick your battles. If your guy upsets you, tell him. He can’t read your mind and pouting on the couch will never be sexy. Then again, you don’t need a global summit on emotions if he’s five minutes late or forgets your Red Bull.
Don’t be afraid of a little carbohydrate action.
Stop making out with any guy who shoves his face into yours. Let’s bring back the fabulous moment that is a first kiss.
Feel completely free to walk down the street like you’re Beyoncé.
We’re constantly striving for equality, so let’s put our money where our mouths are. Literally. Yes, a guy should pay for the first date, but any dates after should be balanced.
Don’t be the girl with 97 keychains.
When in doubt, refer to this list.
Stop talking shit about your fellow females. We’re all in this showboat together.
Rules for the 2015 Gentleman.
Be 100%, unabashedly yourself. It’s fine if socks and sandals are your jam. You rock that heinous fashion choice like it’s your J-O-B because there is literally nothing sexier than a confident man.*
Ask your lady how her day was.
Flush any bathroom humor down the toilet of life.
Always tip. I don’t care if the waiter or waitress symbolically ejaculated into your arugula. Being a server is a difficult job and how you treat them says everything.
Never touch a lady you aren’t dating without her permission. This is just begging for a stiletto to the crotch.
Know that when your lady says she wants a girls-only night, she means she wants to go out and take jello shots and be hit on sufficiently but really wants to come home to you at the end of the night. So be sober and ready.
Call your mom.
Consider the once in a while grand romantic gesture. Especially if you did something that resulted in making your lady cry.
Just, don’t be a dick.
For the love of allah, never and I mean NEVER refer to a lady as being “too emotional.”
Give your thumbs a break. Let your index finger do the talking by dialing a lady’s phone number. Yes, I’m talking voice on voice contact. It might be scary the first time but don’t worry, you’ll get used to it.
When the moment arrives, take charge. Because a boy talks but a gentleman acts.
Embrace a well-fitting suit.
Compliment your lady. It doesn’t have to be intricate and Notebook-worthy. Just the classics will do. Because remember, as much as your lady dresses to impress the bitch next door, she really just wants you to tell her she’s pretty.
Avoid owning a dog that’s smaller than a gatorade bottle.
Stay up to date on current events.
Never underestimate the power of flowers.
*Bonus rule: Know the difference between confident and cocky.