SATC Redo: Samantha Should’ve Been the Star

Sex and the City has been off the air for a few years now and I think it’s time we brought one gigantic flaw of the series to the attention of the public: Carrie Bradshaw should have never been the main character and narrator. That coveted role should have gone to one of Carrie Bradshaw’s BFFs, the one and the only Samantha Jones. There are countless reasons this error should have been corrected, but let’s just focus on the main ones.

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Carrie chased. Samantha conquered.

Asking Big to stand still with her and tell her she’s the one after about nine minutes of dating. Throwing rocks at Aiden’s window begging for him back. Renting a car so she could hunt the guy who wanted a break from her. Asking her fuck buddy to go to dinner. When I was younger I thought Carrie was such a sassy, single ~girl about town~ but after about ten years of real life dating, I’ve come to realize when it comes to romance, she was just embarrassing. Relationship after relationship, she was needy and weak and pathetic.

Meanwhile Samantha was doing yoga to accommodate Mr. Cocky’s cocky appendages, dating short guys simply because they were phenomenal in bed, popping viagra with the best of them, and of course unapologetically making her multiple fantasies come to life (firemen, threesomes, wrestling coaches, Worldwide Express guys, farmers, lesbians, SMITH). And we can’t forget the legend that is Chivon Williams. For those who need a reminder, he was that smooth chocolate god who got his earrings from Tiffany and whose sister, Adeena Samantha threw down with at da club by telling her her okra wasn’t all that. Yes, Samantha sought out what she wanted and got it. Men weren’t something to weep over and ponder about night after night. They were there for the plucking. And plucking she did.

Carrie dressed like a freakshow. Samantha dressed like a cutting edge queen.

There are a lot of urban legends born in my generation I’m sure my kids will hear about. But there is one we can put to rest right now: Carrie Bradshaw was a fashion icon. Sure, it can be said that we should applaud her for taking risks. I can go with that for things like the aggressive tutu skirts, giant flowers so big I think she struggled to breathe, and the obnoxious hats. But 99% of the time I swear these risks we claim she was taking were really just the stylist saying “let’s fuck with everyone and stick as many random objects on your body as we can and see how many people call them fashionable trends.” You know exactly what moments I’m talking about…the belt around her bare stomach while wearing a halo in her hair made of sticks…the multiple bandana occurrences…the newsboy hat/manly tie combo…the cape with fingerless gloves and sequin American flag clutch…the abundance of crop tops…the crown she wore at Stanford’s wedding…THE BIRD VEIL. Where do we draw the line between wearing an outfit so chic us mere mortals will never understand and something that’s a straight up costume?

Just like the way she man-haSamantha-J-samantha-jones-24116774-500-373ndled her men, Samantha was bold with her fashion choices. Color blocking like G, jewelry that made statements rivaling an Obama speech, animal prints so severe they eventually inspired Katy Perry to write that song, embellishments for days and power suits that scream “Put his on my tab and call me when you get off work.” Sure, you can say Samantha too took risks. But her fashion choices were risks because very few people could pull off what she wore, not risks because her outfits made her look flammable/manic/like she smells like a hot glue gun.

Carrie “couldn’t help but wonder.” Samantha wondered why anyone would sit on their bed and wonder about anything.

samantha-jones-9I have a new drinking game idea. Every time there’s a scene where Carrie is sitting at her desk typing then pauses to do some sort of mundane action like bite an apple or put on lotion, blinks a few times, then begins typing again the phrase, “I couldn’t help but wonder…” take a shot of liquor. You will be completely shitfaced after two episodes. Everything Carrie said in general had to be either dripping in questions or overflowing with puns. I think Michael Patrick King meant for this to make her the quirky gal we’d all love (just like her silly high-pitched scream), but it really just made her annoying.

Whether it was about money, men, or her own PR agency, Samantha did not mess around. She called it as she saw it and got straight to the point. I mean, do we not all remember when she told them all she had cancer? Complete glamour badass moment.

Carrie also talked with food in her mouth a lot which doesn’t have a pro-Samantha equivalent but it totally grossed me out.

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