Everyone has their THANGS, right?
- Old-school wine openers. Don’t even come near me with your Sky Mall, battery-operated wine bottle opener. Watching a man open a bottle of wine with a basic corkscrew is a thoroughly swoon-worthy experience. Slicing and peeling the foil, penetrating the cork with the screw–just the tip at first, then all the way in. And finally pulling it out and filling your glass with oaky, earthy goodness. All the while his muscles have been contracting and a fine varnish of sweat has gathered on his forehead. Giddy up.
- Topsider-wearers. JFK. Pharrell. The guy I smooched on New Years Eve. Every well-dressed, grade-A stud has rocked a pair of these boat shoes fit for the king of the yachts. Some girls find them nerdy, but I think they’re the perfect topping to the “effortlessly, classically cool” sundae. And this girl has never passed on ice cream.
- Happy-laughers. There are all types of male laughs in this big, silly world of ours. There’s the overeager, hyena-esque cackle. The semi-greasy guffaw most hipster assholes seem to have. Or my personal fave, the laugh I like to call the “serial killer murmur.” But every so often you encounter a laugh that exudes nothing but pure jubilation. The kind of laugh that automatically makes you laugh and feel like the absolute best place to be in the world is sitting there laughing with him. I should note that every guy is completely capable of possessing this type of laugh, even the hipster assholes. He just needs that special funny lady who can bring it out of him.
- Newspaper-readers. No, The Wall Street Journal on your iPad doesn’t count. I’m talking about the old-school, ink-on-your-fingers printed newspaper. If you’re a guy (who isn’t this) and you find yourself in my living room on a Sunday morning reading your newspaper, I warn you. You might need a restraining order against this pajama-clad hussy.
- Pencil-users. Whether it’s a smudged Home Depot list on a post-it note or a transatlantic love letter, there’s something about the physically written-down word that’s sexy. Even if his handwriting is comparable to a kindergartener, witnessing how a guy loops his G’s or squiggles his M’s is a very underrated window into his personality.
- Original and genuine complimenters. I once went on a fourth date with a guy I wasn’t terribly interested in. About an hour into our date he gave me a compliment I’ll never forget. After an awkward 12 minutes talking about whether or not we were into the idea of turning this casual fling into a relationship, he proclaimed his interest in me in the most perfect way. He said, and I quote, “I’m pretty in love with your brain and the insane things that come out of your mouth, so I imagine it only gets more amazing from here. Plus you know a lot about cults.” I was dead. Dying. On the floor. This awesomely authentic comment not only communicated that he liked me, but that he was into me for the best reason: he completely understood me. He immediately went from bordering on the friend zone to the sexiest man on the planet at that point. So the bottom line here is this…us ladies kill ourselves to fit into leather skinny jeans and fill our faces to achieve eternal youth. Complimenting us on the things that make us uniquely, exclusively us are the sexiest words a guy can utter. That relationship didn’t last, but his kind words clearly still linger.