…when you aren’t quite over him yet.
….immediately get down with someone else.
Besides the fact that the phrase “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else” is completely is whore-ish, it’s also scientifically incorrect. Yes my sexual deviants, according to a study done by the University of Missouri (I’m just as surprised as you that people in Missouri have sex), people who reported the use of sex to get over a relationship continued to have sex with new partners eight months later, behavior that shows “a lack of recovery and inability to move on.” So basically science confirms that you can slut yourself around town all you want, but you will still burst into tears every time you hear his name. And don’t claim you can have sex with absolutely zero feelings. You can try to fight it harder than a Republican, but science again proves you wrong. Thanks to our homegirl biology (she can be SUCH a bitch), when women have sex with someone, they release a hormone that makes them feel attached to the other person. Let me play your fairy godmother and tell you now that you are way too fragile for that, babycakes.
….be a drunk hot mess.
I know this one is completely obvious but I just feel it’s my duty as an American to make it loud and clear. If you drink too much, I promise on whatever religious piece of literature you abide by that you will get emotional and and you will get embarrassing. The bartender/your mom/your roommate doesn’t want to hear about how you really thought he was “the one” through gargled vodka and tears. Also if you find yourself drunk and knee-deep in emotions, there’s a phenomenal chance you will drunk text or even worse, drunk dial the guy who broke your heart. Do you really want to wake up tomorrow surrounded by McDonald’s and covered in shame reading your “i luvz u 4eva i cant live wit out uuuuu” declarations of love?
…immediately go on a date with someone else.
Dates are fun. I get it. Who doesn’t want to get all sassed up and have some guy take you out? I guess this one isn’t a total and absolute don’t, but more like a proceed with caution. If you go out with another guy, there are a few ways this could play out: A.) The guy you go out with is amazing and you want to see him again. You can’t even remember old what’s-his-name. B.) The guy you go out with is just OK and you have a just OK time. Or C.) The guy is so awful you end up drinking yourself into oblivion and fall asleep on the bathroom floor of the restaurant (I’ve heard this can happen…). If A happens, then congratulations, you’re one of the small percentages of girls this happens to and you’re on a solid path to getting over that creep. Read no further! But if B or C happens, I’m telling you…you’ll just end up pissed. A bad date alone is annoying for many reasons. But when you add that you’re also in the process of getting over someone you actually adored, the annoyance is taken to another level. You obviously compare how mediocre or awful this guy is to the guy who used to kiss your hand and build you fires. And then you wish you were with him instead. And then you remember you can’t be with him, because you broke up. And then the high of your perfect date outfit is gone and you’re sad all over again. So I warn you, date at your own risk.
….be a crazy person.
I don’t care if he slept with your best friend. I don’t care if he dumped you at the stroke of midnight on New Years Eve. Shaming his name and broadcasting his flaws on every platform you can find isn’t a cute look. I know your heart is shattered and you might feel like this will make you feel better in the moment, but I promise you it only makes you look like a sad lunatic. That “My cheating ex-bf has a tiny package, ladies watch out” Facebook status you think is really sticking it to him actually reeks of desperation. Sorry my sweetie, but not even the best Bobbi Brown concealer can hide a girl’s heartbreak.
….have a gUrLz NiGhT oUt.
I’m not saying be the girl who says things like “OuT wiTh Ma LaDiEz!” while she and her “gurlz” roll to da club in a white hummer limo, wearing jewel-tone satin cocktail dresses. Sweet love of life, please just always be anything but that. What I am saying is you simply need to gather your flock of best girlfriends and hit the town. Look hot, suck down a little Patron, and let the guy you met in line for the bathroom who told you you smell like summer ask for your phone number. You won’t be fully healed, but female bonding and a little confidence boost go incredibly far.
….let yourself have one or two good cries.
In the age of social media where posts, status updates, photos, etc. are constantly telling the world about the state of your life, it’s easy to feel pressured to put your strong girl face on right after a breakup. Like you have to be all independent-wo-man-hear-me-roar-his-loss-not-mine-miss-moving-on-in-your-face. Now, if that’s really how you feel, then you go on with your bad self! But it’s likely that you’re not quite there yet and what you really want to do is cry into a bowl of doughnut glaze and listen to Adele. If that’s the case my darling, consider this your official permission to do so. Sometimes we just need to cry damn it, and no Kelly Clarkson man-hating anthem can change that. And nine times out of 10 you actually feel amazing after. A little puffy and soggy, but amazing nonetheless.
I read the entire thing on a plane ride once after going through a particularly tragic breakup and had multiple “a-ha” moments. I ended up giving it to the elegant lesbian sitting next to me who I discovered after a conversation during eight minutes of turbulence was going through a tough breakup herself. I like to tell myself the book changed her life, she found the love of her life and thanked the friendly Nebraskan she met on a plane in her civil union vows. I’M DEEP LIKE THAT.
….count your fortunes.
Yes, your relationship ended. But your life didn’t. Your heart may be broken, but your legs aren’t. You may be a party of one on V-Day, but you have plenty of friends to party with. Catch my drift here? It’s a big, beautiful world out there my love, and there are so many dazzling things to be happy about.